All I Ever Wanted
by EminentlyPractical
Summary: Never Forgive, Never Forget. Well half of that was true at least, how could you forget a man that was constantly on your mind? Alternate ending, set a year after Sweeney finds out about Lucy.
1. Because Of You

**Disclaimer: When I finally become rich I will buy the rights to Sweeney Todd, until then, I'm afraid I don't own any of the characters (although Johnny Depp now lives in my cupboard but shh).**

**While writing this I was listening to Kelly Clarkson's Because of You and I'm pretty sure I got a fair bit of inspiration for this alternate ending from it, well at least how Mrs Lovett is feeling. Just a caution, this particular chapter is pretty sad, in case you didn't realise this is set just over a year after Sweeney found out about Lucy, obviously he didn't kill Mrs Lovett but she hasn't seen him since (it explains all this in the story). Well, this is my first Sweeney Todd fanfic so please tell me what you think. Okay, I shall stop talking now and get on with the story.**

The gentle pitter patter of the rain falling outside the shop was drowned out by the continuous thumping of a rolling pin against a bench. It had been a year since the man she loved had disappeared without a trace for the second time in Nellie's life. The shock of discovering that Nellie had lied to him about the fact that Lucy, the love of _Benjamin's_ life hadn't actually died had obviously been far too much for the barber to handle. She never said that she died but she never said that she had lived either. All Nellie ever wanted to do was protect Sweeney about the fact that Lucy suffered a fate worse than death. Besides, it was Benjamin that loved Lucy, not Sweeney, _No, not Barker. That man is dead. It's Todd now. Sweeney Todd__,_ his voice echoed through her head as she scooped another spoonful of mince into a bowl like shape made out of pastry.

No one knew exactly why but once again Mrs Lovett's pies were the worst in London. It had happened overnight, everyone just assumed that the disappearance of the barber had something to do with it; they just didn't know how close to the truth they were. They never suspected anything more than the unstable baker Mrs Lovett had feelings for the barber and lost her spark whenever he left. She hardly left her shop anymore, leaving it once a week to get more meat and more pastry for her pies and a small amount of food for her to eat.

A small sigh escaped her soft lips as her eyes wandered towards to roof of her shop, towards the empty barber shop. There was no point in denying it, she missed him, she missed him with every muscle in her body and now she didn't even have Toby to keep her company.

It had been one year, two months and four days since Sweeney had left her, unconscious on the floor in her own cellar after finding out about Lucy. When she finally came to, Sweeney was nowhere to be seen. The last thing she remembered was holding onto him as they danced around the room, holding onto him for dear life before he threw her up against the wall knocking her unconscious. Half the money she had made from her pies missing only evidence that Sweeney ever existed. She was hardly conscious when Toby told her he was leaving yet here she was, over a year later and she could remember what he said perfectly, she could hear his voice perfectly.

_I told you I would protect you, that nothing would ev'r harm you. Then you chose 'im over me, he did harm you, he could 'ave killed you. I watched 'im flee, he knew that I knew. I'm sorry ma'am but you've made your choice and now I must make mine. I wish I could turn 'im in but that would get you in trouble but I can't sit 'ere from now on and watch you mourn ov'r him. I'm sorry ma'am._

It didn't matter how many times she heard his voice in her head she couldn't help but hope that one day he would come through the door with that cheery little smile he always wore. With that she gave an involuntary glance at the door. A single tear fell down her left cheek as she finally accepted the fact that neither Sweeney nor Toby would ever walk through that door again, she was going to live the rest of her life alone, reminiscing on thoughts of the past, of a life she could have had. Throwing the rolling pin across the room she turned her back on the kitchen and walked into the parlour, her auburn hair falling out with each step she took. She really was a mess, she knew that, there were days when she wished that he had killed her but this was a worse punishment then death even if the crime just didn't seem fit.

Picking up the gin and a glass off the same table to her left she slumped down on the lounge drinking the alcohol as if it were going out of fashion. Soon a mouthful became a glass, a glass became two and two became a bottle. It was only when she was drunk that some of her old cheerful nature would return but it was always temperamental and most definatly didn't last.

When the bottle was done she stood up, staggering outside, a bad idea, definatly a bad idea but it couldn't do anymore damage to what she was already doing to herself. Holding onto the railing for dear life she made her way up to Sweeney's old room. It was the second time she had been up here since he had left, the first was not long after she came too. She hadn't known where he had gone or if he would ever be back but she did know that there was blood all over his shop which had to be cleaned up and Mrs Lovett was the only one around to do it.

Standing at the doorway now, looking around the empty shop, noticing something that she hadn't noticed the first time she came up. There, with the moonlight shinning pricelessly off them, sat one Sweeney's razors, his _friend_. A small, reluctant, drunken sigh escaped her soft lips as she shut the door behind her and walked straight over to them. This piece of metal had meant more to the man then she ever could have. After all, after all she had done for him he had left her on the floor in her own cellar while his razors went with him, all but this one who sat, open in front of a picture smudged in blood. Even through the blood it was painfully obvious who it was. Lucy and Johanna. Picking up the razor, she held it up against the moonlight, on the perfect angle to see herself in its reflection.

These past few months she hadn't taken much notice of what she looked like, it was only now, in Sweeney's old room that she saw how much of a mess she was. Her hair had nearly completely fallen out, falling down across her far to pale skin. Her eyes were dark from months of falling asleep to a nightmare, always involving _him_. Her dress was torn and covered in flour, her corset done up far to tightly, at times making it difficult to breathe, she didn't care though. She welcomed death, death would be peaceful, like falling asleep and never waking up only without the constant nightmares of Mr T.

When she couldn't take much more she lowered the razor, keeping a firm hold of it in her hand she did a dizzy kind of spin. The alcohol was really starting to kick in now, she needed to sit down, to sleep it off but that meant making her way back down to her parlour. There was no way she was going to sleep in this room, that would definatly only fuel the nightmares. Unconsciously taking the razor with her she made her way back to the door. The street outside was properly dark now, her usually busy surrounds completely still. She resisted the nearly irresistible urge to cry, apart from the few single tears that sometimes escaped she hadn't cried in a long time, it was weakness according to him. It was silly to think that after all these months of alone, there were still little things she wouldn't do simply because of Sweeney.

With the razor in one hand and the railing in the other she tried to make her way down the stairs only to stumble on her second step. If she had been sober she probably would have been able to regain her balance but it was impossible to do so, especially since when she was standing perfectly still the world would spin. She made no attempt to stop herself falling, suddenly very aware of the razor in her left hand. If she died here then so be it. As she fell though she noticed something, or someone, rather strange. _He_ couldn't be here, it was just her drunken mind playing tricks on her. Soon after that she blacked out, it all suddenly becoming too much for her.

She couldn't help notice that the ground was far too soft, that she was far too warm, too comfortable. Sitting up she noticed that she wasn't outside, she was in her room, in her own bed. Her corset had been taken off but she was still wearing the same dress from last night. What had happened last night? She tried to remember, maybe it was just a dream. She remembered falling down the stairs but if that had really happened, how was she here? Probably just another of her nightmares. Slowly, very slowly, she got out of bed and made her way to the kitchen in desperate need of a glass of water. Extending a pale arm out in front of her to open the door she noticed a rather large, purple-ish bruise starting to form on her right arm. Wincing slightly at the movement she became more and more confused.

Walking into the shop to find something to drink her eyes glanced over to the bench where, funnily enough next to her rolling pin sat one of Sweeney's razors. She stood there, looking at it for a moment as if half expecting everything to click into place before sighing and pulling out a glace from the cupboard. She would have to sort out this weirdness later, when she had cleaned herself up.

As she brung the glass up to her lips she heard a person behind her clear their throat. Dropping the glass in surprise she spun around, feeling slightly light headed as she did so. The man smirked slightly as her reaction as he set his own glass down on the table and stood up, slowly making his way over to her. Nellie stood there, watching him, her eyes never leaving him as he took small steps towards the stunned woman. She was still dreaming, she had to be, there was no other explanation for it, well she _could_ have died but it seemed unlikely.

When she finally found her voice, sound came out in more of a cracked whisper then anything intelligible. "Mr, Mr, Mr T?" she asked slowly as she took a few small steps of her own towards the man who simply nodded. They were mere centimetres away from each other now, close enough to smell the gin in his breath, maybe it was hers, she wasn't quite sure. Slowly things began to click into place, you could see the sudden understanding light up in her, now usually dead eyes. "It was... You." she said slowly looking up at him. Sweeney's smirk grew as he put his hand on her shoulder.

"Sit down, pet." he said slowly, ignoring what she said as he motioned for her to sit where he was before. Her mind reminded her that this was the man that used to hold his razor up against her throat if he was in one of his moods again and left her in the cellar but her heart didn't listen to any of that. It was him, Sweeney Todd, he was back and even if he was to kill her then maybe then she would be at peace but it seemed highly unlikely. Nodding ever so slightly she started walking towards the booth, fully aware of his warm hand on her shoulder as she did so.


	2. Haunted By Memories

**Sorry it's taken so long to update this story, I'll try not to leave it this long again... I could give you all these reasons but they'd probably bore you to death, not something I want to be responsible for. Well here's the next chapter, I do hope it's true to the characters, it's hard to make Sweeney a bit more caring but still leave him with the same Sweeney attitude we all love. Hope you like it.**

Trust is a funny thing. Mrs Lovett knew that the most logical thing to do would be run from the barber, to find the nearest police officer and hand over the man, not caring if it meant that she would most likely be sent to jail aswell. But still, after all she this, she trusted the man. She trusted him with her life but in saying that she had trusted him with her life from the get go, the amount of times he had lost control of his anger, was thinking about Turpin or simply wasn't in the mood and she had found herself with a razor or another sharp tool against her throat was unbelievable, yet, he had never hurt her, not until_ that_ night at least. 

Sitting down across from Sweeney, Mrs Lovett watched him for a moment not sure what to say. She hadn't seen the man in over a year and now he just wandered into her shop as if nothing had ever happened. If she didn't know better, she'd say he wasn't quite sure what to say.

"Nellie, what are you doing here?" he asked, not looking at her, not looking at anything particularly. Mrs Lovett didn't answer straight away, he had never, never called her by her first name before, after all these years she didn't think he knew her name. While she was his landlord he always called her Mrs Lovett and when he returned the first time it was always either Mrs Lovett, pet or love.

"Mr Todd?" she asked equally as quietly as she picked up her glass, wincing once again at the movement. Deciding it wasn't worth it she put the glass down again, not even bringing it to her lips, resting her arm comfortably on the table.

"Foolish woman." he said slowly as he finally turned to look at her, studying the way her hair, still a mess, hung down over her far too pale face. Nellie had always been pale, and it suited her, simply topped off her beauty but now she looked out of place, sick. The way her hands rested on the table, in a position that simply couldn't be comfortable.

Both the man and woman sat in silence for a few moments, for once Mrs Lovett didn't actually know what to say to him. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Sweeney opened his mouth and although she wasn't directly looking at him this little movement was not missed by the baker. Closing his mouth he defiantly thought better of what he was going to say. Standing up he took a quite large step towards Nellie, gesturing her to stand up while his hand rested firmly on her shoulder. He wasn't quite sure why he did this; he no longer _needed_ to make sure that the baker was in her best condition however there was a slight part of him that _wanted_ to make sure she was well. To get her back to full health.

Just like some small part of him wanted to be the man that she still obviously thought he could be. The man who could return the undying love she seemed to have towards him. If only he had realised her feelings for him earlier, maybe he would have at least tried to be a bit more friendly towards her, he had no idea how he had been so blind but the very first time he had any idea about her feelings for him was just before he threw her at the wall, knocking her out cold. How deeply he regretted it. How much he regretted not noticing her feelings early.

So wrapped up in his plans for revenge, so worked up about the supposed death of his dear Lucy. She was right though, what's dead is dead, life is for the alive. All those months before hand he simple dismissed her constant coming up to him and touching him, pulling him around the room or telling him to sit down nothing more then what he saw to be a very annoying habit, after all those years of being alone that seemed to be a logical explanation. Now however he realised just what it was, her strange way of showing her affection towards him, affection that he didn't deserve, not in the slightest.

"Stand up." he ordered and although the words themselves seemed pretty harsh they were spoken softly, quietly yet lacking the affection she had been dreaming that she would hear come from those very lips since he first came back as Sweeney Todd. "Go back to bed, pet. I'll still be here when you wake up." he continued, his tone not changing as she slowly stood up, knowing full well that there would be no point in arguing with the man.

Although he had never actually been in her room he knew exactly where it was, after all these months of not being anywhere near the place. Considering the state she was in her room was surprisingly clean, everything was exactly where you would expect it to be, it was, well perfect except of course for her bed. Closing the curtains on his way past he gently pushed her towards her bed, not giving her the option to change. From the look in the eyes she wanted nothing more then to know what was going on but that was the only clue she gave away it was obvious she was far too tired to really take any of this in, chances are she probably thought it was a dream.

When Sweeney was satisfied that she was laying down on her way to sleep he turned around, looking around the room before spotting a wooden chair next to the door. For a little while the only sound came from Nellie's gentle breathing and the occasional ruffling of sheets as they moved beneath her as she did, trying to get comfortable. Those simple sounds however died down until the house was completely silent, not even the bakers breathing was audible now. Sweeney was used to the quite but it was weird being in the same room as Mrs Lovett and it being silent.

For the first time since he got here he wondered where Toby had got to. The last thing he expected the boy to do was leave the woman like that. The Demon Barber never particularly liked the boy however Mrs Lovett simply adored him and it was obvious, even to him, he who he now realised payed next to no attention while he was here, that Toby looked up to the woman as the mother he never had. He too must have left which led him to another question. Would she have taken better care of herself had the boy still been here? Of course she would have, her two objectives had been to look after Sweeney and to look after Toby, anything else was never as important.

He didn't even really realise that he was still in the bakers room until much later, he was so deep in thoughts, thoughts that used to revolve around Lucy and Johanna now seemed to be about Nellie and Toby. Was this his brain trying to tell him something? Trying to tell him to move on? No, it couldn't be, it was just the fact that he happened to be in Mrs Lovett's room at this present moment, if he was in his room surely he would find himself lost once again in thoughts about Lucy and the life they could have had together.

Pulling a slight face he silently stood up and left the room, making his way through her house up to his old barber shop. It was still too early for the usual crowd to be found outside, the sun barely showing casting a shadow over the streets of London. As soon as he opened his door her heard the familiar bell which told him whenever a customer (or manic barber, whichever it happened to be at the time) wanted something from him.

His eyes instantly searched for the wooden box, home to his _friends._ Of course they were there next to his chair, glistening in the morning sun which shone through the window. Well, most of them were there, all but the one which was lying on the bench in the kitchen down in Mrs Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium next to her rolling pin. _Foolish girl_, he thought to himself remembering what had happened the a few hours ago. She could have died; she could have hurt herself terribly, especially since she held a razor in one hand. Once again he found himself overwhelmed with thoughts and memories as his paced his familiar track in front of the window, occasionally looking up to stare out the window at the street which was slowly getting inhabited by the usual rat race.

Time passes quickly when you are that deep in thought, the next thing he knew the street was crowded with people all wanting to go where they needed to be in as little time as possible. Stopping his pacing he made his was over to the door, his pale fingers lingering on the handle a moment to long before walking out into the chilly London air. Knowing the mad woman she would wake up any moment now, although she consistently used to tell him to go to bed and actually get some sleep, she got the same amount of sleep that he usually did which wasn't as much. Low and behold as soon as he set the kettle down to boil he heard the sound of footsteps coming towards him.

Without turning around he knew she was there, looking at him, studying him. "You know Mrs Lovett, I was thinking. There's no time like the present," he began, aware that he was quoting something that she had told him what felt like a lifetime ago. "Maybe it is time to start a new life, down by the sea." he continued slowly, still looking down at the kettle waiting for it to boil.


	3. The Reason

**A/N: I'm sorry this chapter is a little shorter than the rest, this is due to limited amount of time because of the amount of assignments/tests I've got due since it's the last week of school. I was going to wait until this term finished to update the story but a) I got to impatient and b) I knew I would most likely forget too. In case you haven't realised I'm naming each chapter with a song name, usually the song that gave me the inspiration for that particular chapter or simply a song I found in iTunes which I thought reflected the chapter nicely. Thank you too all those who have reviewed and a special shout out to firefly2themoon who gave me my friend review for the story, up until then I wasn't convinced about continuing it but I shall (: I still maintain that Johnny Christopher Depp lives in my cupboard and I will fight you for him. Oh and if you have time I recommend my story called **_**Highway to Hell**_**, a collection of short Harry Potter drabbles. I think I have talked enough now... Onto the chapter.**

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"Mister T?" those two simple words left her lips in disbelief. Surely he couldn't have just said that. After years of watching him and Lucy in envy there was nothing she wanted more in the world than to accept his offer. Although she had dreamt about this seemingly insane gesture many times it had never felt more real than it did just then. This was why she had to say no. She knew Sweeney better than he thought and there was no way he would just offer to pack up and move so suddenly, offering, _wanting_ to take her along too.

"I'm sorry, Mister T, I can't, not yet." She said, refusing to look at him as she rested her hands on the bench in front of her, using it for support to lean on. Somehow managing to find the bench extremely interesting, well at least that was the expression her face showed. Her eyes however showed the complete opposite. She had always been what people called an open book, her eyes being the main give away into what she was thinking, no matter the situation. Every muscle in her told her to accept his offer, take it and run with it. Who knew, he might even fall in love with her if she did.

No, she couldn't get her hopes up like that; she knew that what she wanted was highly unlikely.

"Mrs Lovett?" Sweeney asked, interrupting her delicate train of thought with those two familiar words. Much to her displeasure he didn't turn to look at her when he addressed her, even though his back was to her she could imagine the look upon his face. The look he always wore when he didn't want to talk about something with her. The look of whatever he was doing, whatever he was holding in his hand, whatever he was looking at was the most important thing in the world and if he was to let his concentration slip for even a moment the whole world would come crashing down around him. "Don't you trust me?" he continued after a moment of silence echoing through the room. If Nellie was the one which spoke those words they most definatly would have been said drenched in hurt however his tone was bored, tired as if he didn't really want to have this conversation with her now but he had to.

Nellie barely had time to take a breath before another question was shot at her, changing the topic completely. "What did you do... After I left. Who did you tell?" he asked accusingly as if somehow she was the one that had done something wrong.

"Continued on as usual, didn't speak to no one, why?" she asked curiously, finally lifting her head up to talk to the man whose back was still turned on her. This was foolish, they were two grown people and here they were, talking from nearly opposite sides of the room, one of them not even facing the other. Sighing, Nellie stood up straight and made her way over to Sweeney, placing her unusually cold hand on his shoulder doubting he could even feel the coldness of it underneath the jacket he was wearing.

"Wot about Toby, where did he go?" Sweeney continued, his shoulder moving slightly under her hand but not drawing it away. He knew it was crucial to get this information out of the woman as quickly as possible and if that meant enduring her close nature towards him then it was a price he was simply going to have to pay.

"Mister Todd?" the baker asked for what felt like the thousandth time today, wondering what all the questions where about and why they all had to be answered at this exact moment. With all these questions being shot at her she nearly forgot completely about his proposal to move with her by the sea.

"Answer me!" the barber demanded, spinning around so he was now facing her looking down at her. The same look her father used to wear whenever he knew that Nellie knew something that he wasn't telling him. Dropping her hand, Nellie flinched slightly but didn't back away. Even after all these months she was used to his sudden mood changes, her usually being the reason for them and apart for threatening her with his _friends_ he had never actually harmed her when his mood changed so suddenly. Well apart from that night but that was a different story.

"I-I-I 'on't know. He ran off." Nellie stammered quietly, looking up at Sweeney trying desperately to understand what was going on. Surely he couldn't think that Toby had actually done something could he? It was nonsense, she couldn't bare the thought that Sweeney actually thought that Toby had actually done something.

"When?" he continued, ignoring the woman's stammers. He hadn't particularly wanted to use fear to get the information he needed out of her but she was leaving him with no other options, this was something he _needed_ to know, not just for him but for both of them, one of the main reasons he had to return in the first place.

"That night." She said quietly and although she made no effort to continue on with what night it was exactly she knew that he knew what she was talking about the moment the words left her soft lips. At this stage it was impossible to tell what he was thinking as he placed a warm hand on her shoulder which, like the rest of her, was freezing cold. This simple gesture sent warmth throughout her whole body causing the ghost of an old smile to appear on her lips.

"I think it's time we found Toby." The demon barber said simply looking down on the woman returning what she swore could have been counted as a slight smile. A knowing smile yet a smile no doubt.


	4. Back to the Start

**A/N: Well, here we go, chapter four. Sorry this did take a little longer than I expected but schools out now and I can finally dedicate some time to the world of Sweeney Todd. If I may say one thing however, I am a little surprised. I have reached over 300 hits and only 6 reviews. Come on people, I would like to know what you think, how I'm going, if you have any suggestions... You know, the usual. Contrary to popular belief I don't bite. Well here's chapter four... Enjoy (:**

Although she was dying too know why Sweeney had taken a sudden interest in Toby she knew not to argue with the man. A simple nod was the only recognition she gave to show that she had heard what he had said. She wasn't happy about this; not in the slightest but being who she was she went off to clean the house singing a tune soft which she used to sing to not only reassure herself but the boy who over time she had gotten used to looking after like a son_. "Nothing's ganna harm you, not while I'm around."_ She sang, her soft, angelic voice ringing through the room and she moved about dusting various bits and pieces.

The baker didn't know why Sweeney hadn't retreated up to his shop like he always used to do, maybe it was to make sure she didn't run, maybe it was to make sure she didn't do anything foolish which was quite possible. Although she was sure that he could hear her singing he paid no attention to it apart from the initial glance he gave her when she started. This is how things went to back to how they were before. Sweeney not talking and quite obviously thinking deeply about something and Nellie running around like a mad woman singing quietly to herself as she did this, that and everything else that needed to be done.

It pained her slightly to see things go back to how they were before as if nothing had happened. Some foolish part of her had thought that now he knew how she felt about him and now he had returned that things might have been a little different, he might actually pay attention to her, to at least try to return her love. Maybe it was just not meant to be.

All too quickly night time came around engulfing Nellie Lovett's shop in the same darkness she had gotten used to these last few months. Usually at night she light up the place but with her being the only one here she simply lived in darkness understanding why Sweeney used to always sit up in his room in the dark. In her earlier years she had always been scared of the dark, a childish fear really considering she used to spent all day chopping up the barbers 'customers'. Over time however the darkness became welcoming, it made it easier to forget certain things and that in which she couldn't forget, well they became easier to deal with.

Neither of them had to speak a word, Nellie simply _knew_ what she had to do next the same way Sweeney knew that it would probably be best if she went alone. Everyone knew that the streets of London were no place for a woman to walk around alone at night but that didn't stop her. She knew what had to be done and it would be quicker and easier if she did it at night. She had to find Toby and try to get him to come home with her. Finding him should be the easy part the most difficult part would be convincing him to come home with her.

Not bothering to grab a jacket Nellie left the shop without another glance back. The wind blasted against her body with each step she took down the deserted street, desperate to find the boy which she had once considered her son and to a certain extent, still did. If she was going to be perfectly honest with herself she didn't have the slightest idea where the boy could be and she didn't know where to check for him. There was only one place she was certain he would not be, at the workhouse. One place down, only the rest of London to look. Great.

It soon became well past midnight, the temperature had dropped considerably and she was ready to drop. It was only then that she decided to call it a night and make her way back home.

In what felt like forever Nellie finally found herself walking through the familiar door of her shop, offering no explanation to the barber as she passed him while he stood there perfectly still waiting for her at the door. As soon as her head hit the side of the couch she half laid on her eyelids came to a close and quickly sleep began to raise its voice passing Mrs Lovett into the world of unconsciousness.

The barber didn't make a sound as his eyes wandered over to the woman who was now passed out on the couch. He didn't need to hear her say the words to know that tonight had been a complete waste of time. The thing was, Toby was out there, somewhere, he knew it. Otherwise how else would the authorities know that Benjamin Barker had returned? Nellie hadn't told anyone and the only other person to have figured it out was Pirelli but he was dead and therefore it was impossible for him to spread the news. Although coming back wasn't exactly a crime they had noticed that when Benjamin returned the Judge disappeared.

He wasn't sure if he was getting blamed for it or if they purely wanted him so he could be drilled with questions but either way, it wasn't going to happen. If they managed to find out what Sweeney and Nellie had been doing on their very own Fleet Street then they would both receive the death penalty. The barber was getting to the point where he would welcome his own death but he didn't want to be responsible for Nellie's death.

Whether or not Toby had told anyone that Benjamin had returned he didn't know but it seemed to be the only explanation of how they had come to find out. Although he would never tell Nellie what he had been doing for the last few months he had been on the run, hiding from the police and no doubt making him seem more guilty then they thought he was. This was why he had offered the sea which, unfortunately Nellie had turned down. He knew she'd come too her senses, sooner or later and accept his offer but until that day he had to put his attention to finding Toby.

Every extra minute he spent around the baker he began wondering what it would be like if they simply packed up and moved to the sea. Surely it wouldn't be that bad and with every minute he spent thinking about it, more than once he imagined himself marrying the woman. It seemed that every time he disappeared without a trace he returned with a new identity. First there was Benjamin Barker, then Sweeney Todd, what now? No, he was still Sweeney Todd just a little different, how though he couldn't pin point.

Walking over to where the woman lay asleep he picked up a folded blanket from the chair next to it and spread it over her, making sure she wouldn't get cold before leaning down and kissing her lightly on the forehead before turning his back and walking out of the room back into the kitchen without a sound.


	5. Things I'll Never Say

**A/N:** ** This chapter is dedicated to AcroPrincess who has commented on nearly every chapter and inspired this particular chapter. I know it's not exactly what she had in mind but she really got me thinking and I knew I simply **_**had**_** to do this chapter. I hope it's all she expected it to be and you all enjoy it.**

Midday slowly came and went and for the first time in years the baker still wasn't out of bed, proof of just how exhausted she had made herself last night. She didn't even toss and turn in her sleep this time like she had done every night before hand. For once darkness didn't engulf her dreams, maybe because she had simply been too exhausted to have her mind to think up the nightmares that usually haunted her dreams. Maybe she had felt the lips she had unconditionally loved for so long press against her forehead, it was impossible to tell.

One o'clock came around and far too quickly Nellie sat up, the room spinning with the sudden rush of blood to her head. She knew better then to get up straight away; she had always had terrible balance, so instead she simply sat there for a moment crossing her legs under the warmth of the blanket. There was no reason to make a batch of pies today, no one ever came in anyway, business was once again how it had been it had been before Sweeney arrived for the first time, one could barely call it a business.

She never gave up hope however, she wasn't one to simply give up because she was going through a rough patch, her dedication to the Demon Barber was proof of this simple fact. Even as Benjamin Barker she had always watched him and Lucy with envy and despite her kind words after Ben got dragged away to Australia on what everyone knew (although no one spoke against the Judge out loud) was a false charge. Lucy used to come down to her shop, little Johanna nestled safely in her arms, hoping to start some kind of conversation with her landlady. Although they were both the same age Lucy was much more naive then Nellie had been and not once did she see through her mask, not once did she see through her lies when Nellie told the yellow haired girl that she was glad to see her.

And so Nellie played the part of a concerned friend listening to all the girls troubles and fears, oblivious to the fact that the person she was telling about Benjamin was the very person who was in love with her husband. Eventually everything became too much for the foolish woman and she left little Johanna in the care of Nellie while she went to fetch the arsenic that would eventually turn her into a crazy beggar woman.

Nellie's attempts to talk her out of the suicide attempt were half hearted; she was already thinking about what Benjamin would say when he eventually returned, even if Nellie had only lost her husband mere months beforehand. The marriage had been a short one lasting only a year and a half before Albert had mysteriously died. So Nellie sat there, the oblivious baby Johanna playing restlessly in her arms as the baker watch out the window, her foot tapping endlessly on the ground, bouncing the baby who was half seated on her knee.

Every time she looked down at the innocent girl she saw more and more Benjamin Barker in her then the last time she looked. She wanted to take the girl and run, to hold onto any piece of Ben that she could get, then she would look at the tiny girl again and see Lucy in the poor girl and although she was half the man she was in love with she was also half the woman she had come to despise and all thoughts of running away escaped her mind entirely.

That however was many years ago and although at times Nellie wished she had told Sweeney about Lucy she knew that this was something she could never say, that she had despised his wife and nearly ran off with his child. There was only one person she had told at the time, her friend Mrs Mooney who had once been just like her. Although she was nearly twice Nellie's age (or so it seemed at the time) she had been once as foolish as the young baker and in love with another person's partner and knew exactly what to say. She knew that if she told the barber it would definitely be the last time he spoke to her and most likely the last thing she ever said. And so she held her silence and never brought the subject of Lucy up unless she had too.

Like the day before night time came far too quickly and as she went to call out to Mr Todd that she was once again leaving her jaw nearly dropped to the ground. He was standing at the door waiting for her, his usual jacket sitting on his shoulders as he stood there watching as the woman slowly came into the room.

"Mista T?" she asked softly as she continued walking towards him, a little slower before, a little more hesitant wondering what on earth was going on.

"Come on, love. I've got somewhere I'd like to check." He said quickly, a little hint of knowing in his usually dead eyes as he effortlessly pushed the door open with one hand and waiting for Nellie to pass him.

Nellie didn't say another word as she passed the man, the only sound now coming from the soft tapping of high heels against her hard shop floor. Like the night before the cold night wind hit her seemingly fragile body the moment she stepped out into it. Having no idea what Sweeney was planning she turned around, watching him in curiosity as he too walked out the door, pulling it closed behind him as he did.

Without looking at the baker he started walking, the opposite direction she had headed the night before which made her even more curious. This way she passed Mrs Mooney's pie shop, a reminder that she hadn't been on this side of town since before Sweeney left. Not paying particular attention she blindly followed the barber, twisting through the dark alley ways of London.

Too late it became obvious where they were headed and it all became clear why he had wanted to come. They were headed to Judge Turpin's old place, the place where he had kept his pretty little ward Johanna locked up for the first fifteen out of sixteen years of her life. Although personally Nellie had no objections to breaking into the abandoned house she wondered if there would be anyway to talk Sweeney out of it. Usually she wouldn't pass up a chance to spend time with the man but this was _his_ house after all, the one who had had Sweeney to bent up on revenge when he returned after fifteen years away that he didn't notice what was right in front of him.

This time however, there was no Lucy, no Judge, no Johanna to steal the love of her life away from her, there was however the house in front of them. She wondered what must be going through his mind at this very moment, if he saw this as the house of the enemy who had stolen his child from him. Her eyes full of worry she opened her mouth to say something, to suggest that he went back but it was too late, he was already walking up in front of her to the back door. Sighing loudly she followed up behind him; each wary step seemed to take a lifetime.

Getting into the house was easy, no one had stepped foot in it for nearly a year now so security wasn't anything to worry about. The house inside was nearly as cold as the weather was outside, minus the piercing wind. It was just as Nellie expected it to be, lifeless. It was hard to tell that someone had ever lived in it; the dust had piled up covering the surfaces with a thick layer, the air was dense and stuffy making it slightly harder for the baker to breathe properly. The pictures that had once proudly hung from the walls were leaning to one side, like so many other things covered in dust.

No, it was easy to tell the moment Mrs Lovett stepped over the threshold that Toby was most definitely not here and as she turned around to exit the house again she noticed Sweeney climbing the stairs in front of her. Not a good sign as that was generally where the bedrooms were; where Johanna's bedroom had been. The stairs creaked under her feet as she unwillingly followed the man up them, expecting the worse.

It was easy to tell which room had belonged to the young lady as down one side of the door sat a painted rose, elegant as the rest of the house must have been while it was inhabited. Nellie reached the man just as his hand extended for the doorhandle. Purely for his mental state she didn't really want him anywhere near the room but it was obvious there was nothing she could do, even as she placed her hand on his shoulder furthest away from her.

"Toby's not here, love." She said quietly, her voice breaking the silence. She knew it wouldn't work but she couldn't let him go in without at least trying to stop him. Like she expected he simply ignored her existence completely as slowly his hand turned pushing the door open with the slightest push of his arm.

The room was dark but both of them could see perfectly. The bed, in the middle of the room made perfectly, she could almost see the Judge standing by it, leaning over the sleeping body of his ward, watching her sleep. The chair by the window with an empty birdcage hanging opposite it where she used to sit and sign, gazing out at a world she dreamt about being a part of. If she didn't know better as she glanced at the man she could have sworn she saw a single tear dwelling in his eye, the next time she looked however it was gone.

The pair lingered their a little while longer before Mrs Lovett slowly lifted her other arm and rested it on his free shoulder, steering the man out of the room and down the stairs. Like she had expected they had found nothing in the old house, time she could have been using to actually look for Toby, not reopen Sweeney to a whirlpool of memories.

The night air seemed slightly warmer as she let go of the man's shoulders letting him walk by himself now that they were both out of the house. She didn't pay much attention to which direction they returned back to her shop in, she didn't think Sweeney did either but slowly they returned back the same way she had come, weaving in and out of buildings full of sleeping men and women, some of them with children. Her heart sank slightly at the thought of children, ever since that night she had held little Johanna in her arms she had wanted a child, a little girl to call her own. Though with each day she grew older the less likely having a child of her own became.

In what seemed like no time at all they were walking past Mrs Mooney's shop again, Sweeney walking so far in the shadows it was nearly hard to see him, Nellie walking in that little gap between the shadows of building and the light of the moon. Her eyes drifting to the left she noticed something that made her heart race. The closest thing she had to a child was there cleaning a table in Mrs Mooney's pie shop.

"Go." Was the only word that left the woman's lips, her eyes full of hope as she walked towards the shop, towards the boy who had just looked up, dropping the cloth as he did. Toby and Nellie met halfway in a hug, the woman's smile the brightest it had been in months. Neither of them had to say anything, with her hand rested on his back the pair walked back to Mrs Lovett's shop. Toby grinned madly to himself as he walked; not knowing what was awaiting him just around the corner at Nellie's shop.

**A/N: Well there you go. I swear my laptop must have known what I was doing since as I was writing the part about Johanna's room the three songs that played were **_**Ladies in their Sensitivities**_** then **_**Johanna Reprise**_** and last but not least **_**Pretty Women**_**. **__**Creeped out? Nah, I find it quite amusing actually. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.**


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